While miscarriage awareness day approaches (15th) the last few days has had me reflecting on a day 4 years ago this month, I looked down and seen two lines appear on a pregnancy test.
Confused as to how this has happened, considering I have two young toddlers and the energy of a sloth, I was ecstatic! I told my partner who also felt the same and felt this new baby will complete our beautiful family. After a few months early December I suddenly began to feel a pain in my stomach after a little slip down the stairs, of corse worried I seen a doctor who had told me it was normal to feel these kind of pains and our baby should be fine. As there was no other concerns I went home and we continued to get exited at the concept of having three children running around.
Christmas soon came and at this time I should be around 12 weeks, we felt safe to begin to tell our family’s our amazing news.
But two days after Christmas I woke to find spots of blood, my partner panicked but In my head I felt this could be normal, with out panicking anyone I spoke to my dad as if everything was fine but I soon rang my sister to watch the kids at my partners request to get checked to put his mind at ease.
We left for the hospital and sat in A&E for 2 hours to then be put in another waiting room for an hour. I began to think this was a waste of time and explained to my partner who was sweating and tapping his foot with impatient that I was fine. But at that moment a lady stepped out and called my name, as we walked to her room I felt nerves to be seeing my new baby for the first time, she put the jelly on my tummy and started to check my baby, I found it odd that she hadn’t put on the tele for us to see, she quietly searched for a heart beat but it was taking a lot longer then what I experienced with my older two.
She turned to my partner and asked how far gone should I be, my partner said 12 weeks.
At that moment I knew something was wrong and she explained that our baby was in fact 7 weeks without a pulse. I had suffered a silent miscarriage and for the past 5 weeks unaware that I had not been carrying a unliving fetus.
A wave of emotion came over me, I’m usually quite good at hiding when I am upset but I had no control over my tears or my heart-break. The lovely lady left the room while my partner and I fell apart.
After a while we was moved to a consultant room where some one explained what would happen next, but the state I was in, I couldn’t take the information in and i just wanted to get home.
We sat In The car quietly, whilst I text my sister with the sad news, it was easier writing it then saying out loud. My sister went on to tell the rest of the family saving me having to explain it once we was home.
That night and for the next few nights I would quietly sit In the bath for 45mins sobbing to myself.
I kept trying to remind myself that one day we would try again, and at the end, I would be holding another precious gift in my arms, who would steal my heart, and I would forget what my life was like before this bundle of joy and happiness came along and blessed it.
I convinced everyone around me that I was fine, insisting that I believed this happened for a reason, when any chance I got alone I buried my face into my hands and cried.
Three days after being told my heartbreaking news, I felt contractions.
I was surprised as I was told this would feel like monthly cramps. It was nothing like cramps. It felt exactly like it felt before giving birth to my two daughters. For two days it went on, I layed on the sofa crying in pain, getting to a point where it felt so bad I needed to ring an ambulance, but my partner and family were at work and whilst I went through this alone, I still had two toddlers who ran around playing, who I needed to take care of and hated the thought of being a burden. So I waited out another 30mins until it had stopped. And with out details my body had expelled the fetus and the means that once would have kept it safe and help it grow.
My heart-felt like I was reliving the moments I was first told.
For the next few months depression and anxiety came over me, but I would mask it with a smile.
I didn’t talk to anyone about it, I didn’t want to keep playing it back to my partner like it played in my head every time I closed my eyes or seen a pregnancy announcement.
In May I found out I was pregnant again, after my first scan I began to enjoy my pregnancy, more than I had with my first two, suddenly I no longer felt sad every day and the further along I got in my pregnancy the more I found myself again.
On the 13th of January my beautiful third daughter was born at 10am in the morning.
Her cry made me cry knowing just how much I already love her.
This little rainbow baby pulled me out of the darkness when I needed her most and the three years of having her in my life she has brought me so much enjoyment, challenges and beautiful memories that I will forever treasure and be great full for.
Now looking back and having what I have, I do strongly believe in my situation, that loosing a baby to miscarriage was meant to be. Because if I didn’t, my amazing daughter would not be here today.
Although there are times I have moments of sadness, which I still won’t talk about.
Miscarriage should not be a taboo subject, there are many reasons that I didn’t talk about my loss, but never because of making people feel uncomfortable.
It was because my heart hurt so much, and there was no memory’s I could share with people of this once living life that grew inside of me. The way I felt for this child once I had found out I was pregnant I could not explain. The love that was already there, the overwhelming feeling of wanting to protect and care for he/she before even meeting them. Already planning the futer with this bundle in it. Then for your dreams and your feeling to be ripped from you with one word.
I just want parents who have lost a child through miscarriage, you are not alone.
And there is a light at the end of a long tunnel.