Blog

Neglect

I’ve been neglecting my blog for the past few months, in fact I’ve neglect many things.

This is mainly due to a very mischievous little three year old!

I keep trying to convince myself she’s still in that terrible two stage but I’m beginning to beleave she’s just abit of an ass hole!

I know, sounds awful coming from her mother, but gosh does this child test my patience! She can be so cute and loving 20% of the time, the 80% is spent by finding ways to try to get me sectioned.

This includes not sleeping, and when I give in and put her in my bed she will then have to touch my face, kick me and insists I need to sing to her at three in the morning.

Refusing to eat which is always a worry, and has a lovely habit where she spits her no longer wanted food into my hand or onto my plate.

Screaming and I mean the house down, the shop maybe even school, why? I have no idea!!!! It’s literally became her favourite way of communicating with me.

Her new thing is to climb, meaning I now have to sit at the end of her bed till she falls asleep as of worry with her near the stairs. This can take five minutes or maybe two hours depends on how much she has pushed my patients that day, usually if it’s been bad, she will see how further she can push it.

Reading this back, it doesn’t sound to bad, but trust me, I’m at that stage where I’m wondering if I searched her head I may find a couple of sixes!

In all fairness she’s not the only reason why things have been neglected around here, I also now take care of my one year old niece for a few hours in thee afternoon, so it seems to be a fight between the four girls for my attention.

And of corse normal life crap!

I’m currently sitting on at least four loads of washing, my lounge looks like a grenade has gone off in there, I’ve been in the same pj’s for three days now because, why not! It’s only my partner and kids who have to smell me!

Also I have two older daughters who are at the age to question everything, even my existence, I can’t even go to the toilet without giving them an explanation.

And god don’t get me started on the way I look! I’ve honestly given up on hair and make up.

My sister jokes with me asking how I cope having three kids and one man-child when she just about copes with one daughter and her partner, and honestly, I don’t!

I just don’t have a choice but to get on with it. I take care of what needs to be done like the kids, my partner, bills and house and after that there is just nothing left for me.

I’m exhausted and my selfish pleasure is getting a few hours to myself in the evening (bath, wine and catch up on a programme or two) before my devil child awakens and it all starts again.

I’m not one for new years resolutions but I’ve promised myself this year I’m going to give myself some attention and take better care, mentally and physically.

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Mum life

So picture this,

You’re in a nice hot bath, lights off and candles are on, you have a well needed and deserved cold glass of wine sitting by you and the room is quite.

Until your 6-year-old child starts to bang on the door begging you to come in because she needs the toilet, you explain there is a fully functional toilet down the stairs but she insists that she hates that toilet and wishes to use the one that you are currently occupying.

You give in and let them in, fooling yourself that this should be quick, but oh know you was very wrong, your child decides she needs to take a crap!! Sticking your head close enough to smell the candle aromas to mask the stench that came from your child.

But of corse her 7 year old sister had to make her self present and appeared into the bathroom, forgetting that she, hadn’t brushed her teeth. At this point your wine goes down a lot quicker then you intended.

All you ask for is this one thing you wanted for yourself and have been looking forward to all day. most people have hopes and dreams to have adventures and travel, but not you all you wanted was 20mins of peace and tranquility.

When you thought this can no longer get any worse your partner joined the little bathroom congregation, trying to find the lighter that you had borrowed to light the new candles which was specialy brought for this occasion. And with horror he sits at the end of the bath tub where he and the kids discussed whether a taller person poos are larger!!

Eventually he leaves and the 7-year-old follows. As you get comfortable thinking there is just one more left to get rid of, she tells you there is no toilet tissue left!

You shout, know one listens and your forced to climb out of tha bath to get some, but it’s not the end your now 6 year also forgot to brush her teeth! And suddenly you think fuck it!!! You give up, and get out, frustratingly walk down the stairs grab the bottle of wine and go to bed!

One day my wish will come true!!!

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Miscarriage awareness day approaching.

While miscarriage awareness day approaches (15th) the last few days has had me reflecting on a day 4 years ago this month, I looked down and seen two lines appear on a pregnancy test.

Confused as to how this has happened, considering I have two young toddlers and the energy of a sloth, I was ecstatic! I told my partner who also felt the same and felt this new baby will complete our beautiful family. After a few months early December I suddenly began to feel a pain in my stomach after a little slip down the stairs, of corse worried I seen a doctor who had told me it was normal to feel these kind of pains and our baby should be fine. As there was no other concerns I went home and we continued to get exited at the concept of having three children running around.

Christmas soon came and at this time I should be around 12 weeks, we felt safe to begin to tell our family’s our amazing news.

But two days after Christmas I woke to find spots of blood, my partner panicked but In my head I felt this could be normal, with out panicking anyone I spoke to my dad as if everything was fine but I soon rang my sister to watch the kids at my partners request to get checked to put his mind at ease.

We left for the hospital and sat in A&E for 2 hours to then be put in another waiting room for an hour. I began to think this was a waste of time and explained to my partner who was sweating and tapping his foot with impatient that I was fine. But at that moment a lady stepped out and called my name, as we walked to her room I felt nerves to be seeing my new baby for the first time, she put the jelly on my tummy and started to check my baby, I found it odd that she hadn’t put on the tele for us to see, she quietly searched for a heart beat but it was taking a lot longer then what I experienced with my older two.

She turned to my partner and asked how far gone should I be, my partner said 12 weeks.

At that moment I knew something was wrong and she explained that our baby was in fact 7 weeks without a pulse. I had suffered a silent miscarriage and for the past 5 weeks unaware that I had not been carrying a unliving fetus.

A wave of emotion came over me, I’m usually quite good at hiding when I am upset but I had no control over my tears or my heart-break. The lovely lady left the room while my partner and I fell apart.

After a while we was moved to a consultant room where some one explained what would happen next, but the state I was in, I couldn’t take the information in and i just wanted to get home.

We sat In The car quietly, whilst I text my sister with the sad news, it was easier writing it then saying out loud. My sister went on to tell the rest of the family saving me having to explain it once we was home.

That night and for the next few nights I would quietly sit In the bath for 45mins sobbing to myself.

I kept trying to remind myself that one day we would try again, and at the end, I would be holding another precious gift in my arms, who would steal my heart, and I would forget what my life was like before this bundle of joy and happiness came along and blessed it.

I convinced everyone around me that I was fine, insisting that I believed this happened for a reason, when any chance I got alone I buried my face into my hands and cried.

Three days after being told my heartbreaking news, I felt contractions.

I was surprised as I was told this would feel like monthly cramps. It was nothing like cramps. It felt exactly like it felt before giving birth to my two daughters. For two days it went on, I layed on the sofa crying in pain, getting to a point where it felt so bad I needed to ring an ambulance, but my partner and family were at work and whilst I went through this alone, I still had two toddlers who ran around playing, who I needed to take care of and hated the thought of being a burden. So I waited out another 30mins until it had stopped. And with out details my body had expelled the fetus and the means that once would have kept it safe and help it grow.

My heart-felt like I was reliving the moments I was first told.

For the next few months depression and anxiety came over me, but I would mask it with a smile.

I didn’t talk to anyone about it, I didn’t want to keep playing it back to my partner like it played in my head every time I closed my eyes or seen a pregnancy announcement.

In May I found out I was pregnant again, after my first scan I began to enjoy my pregnancy, more than I had with my first two, suddenly I no longer felt sad every day and the further along I got in my pregnancy the more I found myself again.

On the 13th of January my beautiful third daughter was born at 10am in the morning.

Her cry made me cry knowing just how much I already love her.

This little rainbow baby pulled me out of the darkness when I needed her most and the three years of having her in my life she has brought me so much enjoyment, challenges and beautiful memories that I will forever treasure and be great full for.

Now looking back and having what I have, I do strongly believe in my situation, that loosing a baby to miscarriage was meant to be. Because if I didn’t, my amazing daughter would not be here today.

Although there are times I have moments of sadness, which I still won’t talk about.

Miscarriage should not be a taboo subject, there are many reasons that I didn’t talk about my loss, but never because of making people feel uncomfortable.

It was because my heart hurt so much, and there was no memory’s I could share with people of this once living life that grew inside of me. The way I felt for this child once I had found out I was pregnant I could not explain. The love that was already there, the overwhelming feeling of wanting to protect and care for he/she before even meeting them. Already planning the futer with this bundle in it. Then for your dreams and your feeling to be ripped from you with one word.

I just want parents who have lost a child through miscarriage, you are not alone.

And there is a light at the end of a long tunnel.

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My truthful 6 year old

My second daughter has got to be one of the most funniest kids I’ve ever met. She has the ability to have me laughing in stitches and a second later have me raging with anger!

You see, this child is the sass queen! Or how she would prefer, the queen of flies (don’t ask, I have no idea why flies)

The crap that comes from this kid no longer surprises me, going from her potty mouth, yes she did have a swearing stage. Telling people how it’s “fucking raining” or the time she turned around and called her dad a “dick head” “I know, awful parenting”

Or last week when I asked her to fetch me socks, and she turned around and asked ” why can’t you go and get it, since you sit on your bum all day” and yes I did have to refrain my from my hand meeting her butt, since I do quite like my kids and don’t fancy a knock from social services.

The commentary I have to listen to about her bowl movements while she’s on the toilet, or throwing a tantrum because I refuse to shave her head so she could look like her dad. Oh and how concerned she acts when it’s me who’s cooked her dinner and not her dad.

And there are times when I just know that I’m going to wish the floor could just swallow me! When in the distance I can see my neighbour walking in our direction, and I try to keep her distracted, because I know he’s just had his leg amputated. But nothing gets past my kid, oh no! Let’s just say I was left red-faced after the in counter.

But it is funny when it’s not me on the receding end of her truthful abuse!

More so when it’s aimed towards my sister who my daughter really hopes her chest is not as flat as her dad’s or her aunties when she gets older! Or tells her auntie how she’s “acting like a right sod today”

But seriously she is a pretty awesome kid, very caring and just wants to take care of everyone.

Having kids has been my greatest achievement in life! There is nothing in this world that could make me more prouder to be their mum.

Although I have moments of pulling my hair out and screaming into a pillow. I really do love spending all my time with them.

They are my little best friends, and the reason for my smile every morning.

 

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Kids with dyslexia at school

So for the past week my blog and book have been neglected while me and the girls get used to the school routine again.

Both have enjoyed being back at school more so my eldest, who loves her new teacher and the friends she has made. But in the week she came back, quieter than usual, and the next morning she did not want to go back to school.

I sat and spoke to her and she explained how she was trying to read a sentence to her teacher and because she had got confused and read the wrong line the teacher had told her she was beginning to get cross with her. I know to some this may sound a bit silly, but to my child this tiny thing changed her whole attitude towards school.

You see when a child/adult has dyslexia some times you can lose your lines, you easily can get confused or words move and get muddled up. And for someone to point out your mistake or begins to get frustrated with you, it can knock their confidence.

Of corse I went into school that day and spoke with my daughters teacher from last year, as she had worked so hard and did so much research for ways to help my daughter while she was in her class.

I explained the situation, to which she was not pleased with my daughters new teacher and went off to speak to her.

When she came back she was livid with the fact that my daughters new teacher had implied she had lied and put my daughter on the spot suggesting she could go into a different class with a new teacher.

I try my very best to have a close relationship with my daughters teachers, I have meeting with my eldest teachers every term to find out her progress and if there is anything I could do at home to help.

It’s frustrating as a parent who also has dyslexia, remembering my experiences and being told stories by my mum about how let down I was by some of my teachers, and how they would reassure my mum that everything was being done at school to help me learn and understand, when really it wasn’t. I would be told I was lazy, teachers stopped trying to help me, I would get shouted at if I hadnt wrote enough down in my homework book or if I couldn’t read out loud.

I have looked online ways to help some parents whose children live with dyslexia. Guide lines to explain to your children’s teachers that could help them and help the teachers understand.

  • Don’t ask a student to stand up and read in front of a class. They could miss read and get confused, causing them to feel embarrassed.
  • Don’t punish them for forgetting homework/books and PE kits. With dyslexia it’s so easy to forget thing.
  • Don’t call or imply they are lazy. Children with dyslexia have to work harder than others, and finds it harder to stay focused when reading and writing.
  • Expect less written work. It can be difficult to get what they are thinking written on paper, give them a little more extra time.
  • Explain the work and give more detail.
  • Do not ask them to copy off a board or out of a book.
  • Use coloured paper when printing sheets or homework. Away to help them focus and may stop words moving.
  • Allow homework to be done on a computer.

These are just a few things that could help a child with dyslexia at school also having regular meetings with the teacher to see how they are helping to support your child.

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Pets

I do really love animals, don’t get me wrong. There cute, loyal and even can have a funny little personality. But not enough to have pets!

I have three children, who kind of remind me of animals, I have to clean them, feed them, take them for walks, throw a ball for them to catch, instead of checking for ticks it’s nits. And for some reason one child actually sniffs food before eating,  another has a thing for licking and the most annoying, one has a thing for tearing up bog roll!!

My desire to never have pets started when I lived at home with my parents, who both are animal lovers, I grew up with so many animals around me, that my mum and dad’s garden could probably be the new pets cemetery!!

But they also worked for animals in need and a animal sanctuary. So some Saturdays my mornings were spent taking care of baby pigeons that shat on me every five minutes or cleaning the hedgehog pens where one would attack my feet and tug at my trousers.

On a Sunday I may go to the farm, where an overly aggressive sheep had a thing for chasing me and butting me because it got jelouse, or the dog that would try to hump my leg.

But it’s not all this that puts me off having a pet, although animals need time and attention, it’s the heart break of loosing them that’s what i can’t handle.

In my life the pets I’ve had is

  • 4 dogs
  • 1 cat
  • 6 rabbits
  • 2 hamsters
  • 4 budgies
  • Million pigeons (a little dramatic)
  • 8 chickens
  • 3 ducks
  • Fish

And each one that has gone made me sad!!! Even the ones that my mum and dad took care of at the farm and the ones that came home for mum to take care of.

It’s heart breaking when as a child your best friend is a dog, they pass and having to deal with that loss, and pain. More so if you’ve never lost some one you care about to death before.

In my head I feel like I’m doing the right thing by not getting a pet for the kids to avoid the heartache

But having a pet had taught me so much about compassion, responsibility, love and so much more.

These are the things that I have continued to carrie with me and that have helped make me who I am today.

So our first start will be fish I think, next month.

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Socially awkward

So I am bad at having a conversation with people, actually I am just terrible !!

Don’t get me wrong I am one of them overally annoying people who always smiles, waves and shouts morning.

But when it comes to small talk, it makes me want to cringe.

I begin to get anxious, I nervously laugh at unfunny comments, I’m the type if someone’s wished me a happy birthday I would say “thanks, you to” Also I start to talk way to much about my personal life!

Its gotten so bad that I now purposely turn up late to drop off and pick up the kids to school just so I avoid the school parents.

I can’t even give support to someone who’s going through a tough time, because I’m nervous, I laugh at their troubles, not because I’m being disrespectful or rude, I just don’t know what to say and begin to panic then I laugh, it’s really awful!

I’ve not always been like this, but after having kids I’ve distents my self from people. I no longer had much in commen with friends, I stopped working to take care of a new born and my main contact with people for the past 8 years have been family.

So I wondered to myself will I ever get better holding a conversation with people. I began to search online, ways to help me to be less socially awkward.

There were many great tips, but my favourite was to embrace your awkwardness, and not to worry what people think.

I know it’s probably easier said then done, but many people go through this.

Other ways included

  • Practice a conversation with yourself in a mirror
  • Find out why you feel like this
  • Try to relax
  • Increase confidence
  • And don’t worry what people think.

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